Friday, 16 August 2013
The Walk of a Billion Miles & the Mini Sumo
The sun was shining, it was Friday and I was in a particularly cheery mood so I decided to go for a walk to the local supermarket - so thrilling is my life nowadays! I would usually take my son in his buggy and have never had a problem ... odd then that I suddenly decided to take him in his baby carrier attached to my chest.
He's been in the carrier many times - and recently has started facing out - which he seems to love! He must find it so confusing, sailing down the road, floating on air, on imaginary stilts. I put on a silk dress and some sunglasses, strapped him to my front, grabbed my purse and started the twenty minute walk to the shop.
Unfortunately I had failed to take two things into account. Two things that only became apparent ten minutes into my walk.
One - It was a hundred fucking degrees, and
Two - my baby now weighs about the same as a Sumo Wrestler in training.
My lower back was in agony. Sweat beads were forming behind my sunglasses and in any crease on my body ... covered in my SILK dress! The best fabric for a heatwave!
People stopped and smiled and waved at the chunky baby wobbling and weebling in front of me in his comfy suspension, enjoying his free ride.
"Awwww! They cooed, "He's so lovely!" You could see them admiring me - what a good mother I must have looked like.
Little did they know that inside I was thinking "Where can I ditch this loser?!"
My usual twenty minute walk was slowly becoming a forty minute one, in blistering heat and I realised I was waddling like I did at 42 weeks pregnant - oh the memories! But back then he was only 7lbs 8 - whereas now he's about 5 stone!
I made it to Waitrose, sweating, panting, waddling, dehydrated, losing the will to live - and realised that any shopping I got would only add to my overall baggage weight!
I bought a small packet of Olives, resisted the urge to ditch him in the Sales bin and set out on my billion mile walk back - cursing all the way!
If anyone needs me, once I can stand again - I'll be burning a certain baby carrier. Its time has come!