Thursday, 19 March 2015
37 weeks pregnant - Romance Found Dead - Bludgeoned by Pooper Scooper
Do you know what I am particularly worried about?
Defecating in front of my partner during childbirth.
I thought this was perhaps a myth - but I have since learnt it is more or less an inevitability. Of course, the midwife or doctor may see this happen, I have accepted that - but then she or he has probably seen many a young lady divorce her bowels in those last moments. It is, dare I say it, to come with the territory of having your head where it is and shouting at women to 'PUSH'! The man (or woman) that you love though? - well that is a different story. I mean, really, without romance or mystery in a relationship - where are we?
When we get pregnant and this air of romance and mystery gets harder and harder to maintain. The urgency, and frequency, with which we need to pass wind, for example, takes us by surprise. And I can tell you, that having to excuse myself several times an evening to go to the bathroom just to expel such wind is exceedingly trying. But, so far, at 37 weeks pregnant, I have been able to avoid it.
Unfortunately one thing I have not been able to avoid is the daily discussion of bowel motions. They are just so high up on your priority list and can mean the difference between a bad day or a good day - and can even indicate the onset of labour - so talking about 'constipation' for example, has become de rigueur.
My partner finds my prudish ways very amusing, and I feel lives in hope, of my facade dropping once, just once. More than that, when I mention the horror I feel about the prospect of 'pooping on the bed' at the hospital, under florescent lights, his face lights up, an evil smile spreads across his face and he gets a twinkle in his eyes.
I know that the idea of my complete lack of dignity and having to do this in front of him is spicing up his life at the moment. If this is to happen to me it will make his year, if not his decade, and I know he will never. let. it. go. I can imagine him in five years time still bringing it up at dinner parties.
I can imagine making him look like a fool in a very jovial way with friends for example "You said 'Saturday' but it's Sunday" and laughing,
and him replying with "Whatever love... you shat yourself".
Once you do a poop in front of your partner.
The power, I fear, will never ever be yours again.