Thursday, 19 March 2015

39 Weeks Pregnant - 105 years versus 9 months

You learn quite a bit when you have insomnia. For example, Tenpin Bowling is an actual sport! It is on Sky Sports 3! Granted - it is on at 3am - but it is on. 

Also we don't have any Adult channels in our TV package - which is a shame, as some of the titles are very intriguing. I would love to know why those housewives are so filthy - especially as I know, personally, that I get ample enough time to keep the house clean and tidy being home all day.

I also learnt that we have children's channels I never knew we had before. Including ones that show retro shows like Wacky Races and Top Cat. This will be very handy soon when I am a mum as I can just prop my son up in front of the TV set and enjoy my morning G and T. This is of course a joke...

I much prefer a Martini in the morning. 
Again, mother - I am jesting. 

It might be the hormones or the lack of sleep but I truly believe that "I wonder why" by Curtis Stigers is the best song ever written. I wept through it whilst doing the washing up this morning. well - it's so sad! 

All together now... and I wonder why we hold on, with tears in our eyes, and I wonder why we have to break down, to just make it right. and I wonder why I can't seem to tell you goodbye, oh I wonder why... 

I have had a lot of time to come up with innovative horse puns and humorous horse jokes after more revelations about the "beef based" food we are eating and its close sordid affair with horse. I have re-discovered faceinhole.com which means I can spend hours superimposing my face onto ... horses or famous pregnant women or obese animals. 

If I can get close enough to the dinner table I can start jigsaw puzzles ... and then stop them an hour later because my back hurts too much. I can peruse the Mothercare Catalogue several times a day and see all the things I haven't got yet and panic about whether or not I really do need them - and read breast pump reviews. Fun fun fun.

Last night I made a curry with three large green chillies in it, and two garlic cloves, and several Indian spices. My partner decided to sleep in the spare room soon after this - apparently in a bid to get a good nights sleep - and we both did. I feel a lot brighter today. I feel 'separate beds' might be the future! Although my stomach has seen better days ... 

4 days to go and my baby is the size of a . . . mini watermelon. I knew 'watermelon' would one day come! Boredom and cabin fever has sincerely set in. I sway vigorously from being terrified of giving birth to being the most 'ready' person that has ever existed. If my waters broke now I would be deliriously happy. I might do a little jig. 

I spent yesterday Googling 'ways to bring on labour' which included
  • Spicy food 
  • Scrubbing the floor on your hands and knees 
  • Caster Oil (the thought of this put my partner off his Tuna Melt) 
  • Lavender Oil 
  • Bouncing on a birthing ball 
  • Sex (the thought of this put my partner off his Tuna Melt) 
  • Reading erotic fiction on the toilet and
  • Walking up and down the stairs like a crab* 
*Presumably not all at the same time. 

I went for numero uno in the end. Probably not the best choice when it comes to my chronic vomit inducing heartburn, but the other options just seemed like a lot of hard work. And as for reading erotic fiction or having sex - are you being serious? I feel about as erotic as a used tea bag. 

I saw an episode of Ellen's talk show yesterday in which she interviewed a woman who was 105 years old. The woman was full of life, sprightly, youthful, cheeky and bursting with the joys of Spring. And she was 105! It made me feel bad. Here I am moaning about 9 little months and this woman has been living for one hundred and five years! Ellen asked "What is your secret?" 

The 105 year old lady told her that the secret to long life was to be positive; to "not worry or stress about things in life that you can not control".

I might not be long for this Earth if that is the case.

I might have a little watch of my 'Les Mis'. If there is anything that can make you feel a little bit more positive about life it's watching Les Mis. I mean, at least I am not prisoner 24601 ... or a prostitute. I am a very very lucky pregnant lady. So in the spirit of Les Mis: 

Tomorrow we'll discover
What our God in Heaven has in store!
One more dawn
One more day

One ... day ... more!

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