Thursday, 19 March 2015

41 Weeks pregnant - The elusive plumber and 101 things NOT to say to an overdue pregnant beast lady

You know that feeling you get when you are in desperate need of a Plumber?

You see, without a Plumber you can't have a wash or go about your daily chores. You are a little bit 'stranded' without your water. So you call the Plumbing company and they say "Yes, we can help, we will send round a plumber to you tomorrow. He will be there at any time between 8am and 8pm - so you will need to stay put for the day and just wait in for him, ok?" 

Annoying - yes. But you need access to water and one day spent inside won't be too bad. You don't understand why they can't be more 'specific' about your time slot - but Hey Ho! At least, at the end of the day, you know you'll get a result.

Well... imagine that you wait in that day, and the hours tick by, and it gets to 8pm and there is no plumber. Then imagine that all you can do is continue to wait, day after day, for this elusive plumber. The hours turn in to days, the days turn in to nights - and before you know it... you have waited in for this Bastard calling himself a Plumber for. a. week.

It has now been six days. My baby is six days overdue. Six days overcooked.

Here is a list I have compiled of things NOT to say to someone who is overdue:

1. Any news yet? Any baby yet? Any symptoms yet? Any twinges yet? Anything yet? Have you given birth yet? Are you at the hospital yet? Are you a mummy yet?

Oh, you mean the baby? Yes Mother - we had him a few days ago. Did we not mention it?

2. How are you feeling? Are you alright? Are you ok? Let me know how you are? Sweetie, I haven't heard from you in more than ten minutes... can you please text me/ call me/ email me as soon as possible because your Father and I are very very concerned and can not eat/ sleep/ breathe until you let me know you are ok.

I. AM. OK.

3. Have you had your sweep yet? At least you'll have a sweep soon. Why haven't you had a sweep yet? I had a sweep. Sweep Time! Sweeps do nothing anyway. What's a Sweep?

4. Have you tried spicy food? Have you tried Curry? Why don't you have some Curry? Curry, Curry, Curry!

5. Why don't you have sex? Have you had sex? Try some sex. Have some sex and a curry?

6. Morning Fatty! (partner)

7. I think you'll have your baby in 12 days because my psychic, tarot reader, astrologist, faith healer, other bullshit merchant told me so.

8. That baby isn't moving yet, he hasn't dropped yet! You can see he hasn't dropped. It hasn't dropped. Your stomach is too high up. The baby isn't ready - you can see he hasn't dropped.

9. At least you know he will come within 14 days now. At least you know it'll only be two weeks. Only two weeks left to wait. What's your problem? You only have to wait two weeks.

10. I really enjoyed my maternity leave. I would love two weeks off. I wish I had two weeks to sit around and watch TV. Try to relax. Enjoy your time off.

11. You should enjoy your time off because... once the baby's here you'll wish you had this time back. You'll never sleep again after the baby is here. You'll be sorry once that baby is there. You'll wish you had this time to relax back, cause once you have that baby it'll be Hell.

Oh wonderful. What a marvellous catch 22! Thank you.

12. Go out and about. Don't be scared to carry on as normal. Don't stay in your house like a prisoner. If your waters break in the supermarket - who cares?

Me. I care. I dislike wondering around constantly worrying that I am going to, essentially piss myself, in public. Thanks.

13. Baby will come when he is ready. You shouldn't rush him. The baby will decide when he is ready. It is not up to you. It is natural. He's not ready yet!

14. It is very common to go over your due date. What were you expecting? Didn't you know? Stupid! It is only an 'estimated' date. They can't be precise about these things.

15. I went fourteen days over my due date. My friend went eight days over her due date. My sister went weeks after her due date. Some one I know went two weeks over their due date and had to be induced - and even then nothing worked!

16. If you could go another day overdue that would do me a big favour because I have a big day at work and all my colleagues have actually said it'd be really handy if the baby could stay put for another week... (partner)

17. Top Gear is on at eight, and I am staying up late tonight to watch that Match - so it'd be quite good if he didn't make an appearance tonight. (partner)

18. I could really do with a good night's sleep so I hope he doesn't come today. (partner)

19. Today should have been his birthday... isn't that funny? (Mother)

The only acceptable thing to say to an overdue pregnant lady:

What? He still hasn't come out? That is Shite! That baby sounds like a complete Arse!

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