The Scripture of Cot.

Listen to the audio version of this post here - spoken by an actor!

In the beginning there was a moses basket for the first born. But lo the child outgroweth it and got tubby and heavy and so he entered the family bed where he ruled over the household for months. Until the Patriarch and Matriarch chose a Cot. And the Cot was delivered unto them via next day delivery and the box sat in the corridor for at least a week before the Patriarch assembled it -by the sweat of his brow. And lo he cried up to the Heavens "These screws are too f*cking small for the holes!"

And hours later the Cot was erected in a separate room for the chunky first born, a labour of love, and Matriarch and Patriarch were hopeful. As you sow so shall you reap.

And it was 7pm and the sky was darker and lowering and thanks to the gospel of Super Nanny studied for years beforeth the Matriarch knew the importance of a bedroom routine and lo she gave unto him a hearty stodgy meal of pureed roast chicken and it was good. She then baptised the child in a warm bath and wrapped him in a comfy bedtime garment. And the child was lowered into the cot and fed a bottle of warm milk until his eyes shut and he entered the land of nod. And the Matriarch crept out of the nursery and prayed that he would not awake till morn. Gird your loins.

And she said unto them whoever doth not be f*cking quiet after 7pm cannot be my disciple and will feel thy wrath. Blessed are the peacemakers.

On the first night the child, the apple of thy eye, awoke three times and cried unto the Wilderness as it was his birthright.

And on the second night the child awoke three times and cried unto the Wilderness and refused to sleep for hours. The child spoke - He said, I am the voice of one crying in the wilderness, make me milk straight away!!

And she forgave him - for he knows not what he does.

But she did not get enough sleep and said unto the Patriarch come not near to me; for I am tireder than thou and I will burneth you.

But a house divided against itself cannot stand. All things must pass.

But Lo! On the third night the child slept in his own room from 7.15 pm to 7.15 am with two very short wake ups. And the clouds parted and light did shine upon the household and all were rested and the Lord was good and all thoughts of homicide were put to one side and love and harmony reigned. Oh tender mercies!

Let there be light.

And Matriarch and Patriarch could once more eat, drink and be merry and lay together in the family bed. What the Cot has joined together let no little man put asunder.

And she said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Thank f*ck for that!