Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Instructional Guide - 'How to' look after my baby.

1. Depending on the law of Sods baby will wake up at 6am, 8am or the less desirable 4am.

2. If you hear him gargling, thrashing about, murmuring or whining - do not assume he is ready to get up. This might be a 4 minute phase which, as soon as you get out of bed, he decides to cease. You will KNOW when he is ready to wake up. He is not shy about letting you know his feelings.

3. Do not let him sleep in the moses basket on the rocking stand - put the moses basket on the floor. Due to his rapidly increasing weight and energy if the basket is on the rocking stand he will tend to thrash violently about resembling, from the outside, signs of a Velociraptor testing his parameters.

4. There are various 'distraction devices' around the house. His Jumperoo, his play gym, his door bouncer and his chair. Of course, the novelty of these items drops by 3.5% each day.

5. Make sure you make up a bottle around an hour after he has had his last bottle - as by the time it has cooled, he will be ready to eat. If the bottle is not ready in time... God help us all. Hold on to something.

6. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY - take him to any mirror in the house and show him his own face. This will turn tears of rage to silent awe and sweet giggles.

7. When lifting him out of his moses basket please be aware of your feet. Or be sure the large window is shut. I am worried that one day I will trip and drop him out of the window. (Yes I am my Mother's daughter).

8. At all times be mightily aware of his body temperature. Continually check he is not too hot and not too cold. Channel Goldilocks and ensure he is 'Just right'.

9. If all else fails sit him on your knee and jig him repeatedly up and down. This will keep him placid - and can sometimes lead to sleep.

10. A word of warning. It is not always a good idea to put him in the Jumperoo first thing in the morning as this is when he tends to have his first, rather notable, bowel movement of the day - and the way the seat is designed, no nappy can contain the contents when it is continually pushed and bounced upwards. he will need a change of outfit.

11. The only way to bathe him is to get into the bath with him due to his violent movements. It is a little like trying to bathe a slippery baby Hippo with severe anger issues. You will need enormous upper body strength.

12. To make him laugh; wipe his face with a cloth, put a cold baby wipe on his bare chest, show him his Daddy's face, show him his own face or tickle the back of his neck.

13. Do not make him cry.

14. Sometimes he will sleep through two families screaming blue murder at each other on Jeremy Kyle... sometimes he will wake up if you blow your nose or pass wind. My advice? Keep it in till morning.

15. According to the law of Sods he will go to sleep at either 7pm, 8pm or the less desirable... Midnight.

16. Good Luck.

1 comment:

  1. Lovely post and so true. Mine has (almost) outgrown the waking up part. Of course, if Sod's Law works, she will probably be up tonight just to spite my words!


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